From The Old Man: A Guide to Living

"Call your mother. Know that she’s the one responsible for all the complex thinking you do, I..."

Sun, 08 May 2011 22:31:00 -0400

“Call your mother. Know that she’s the one responsible for all the complex thinking you do, I only helped in the emergency-reaction department.”

"Don’t worry so much. The fog of youth lifts more and more as the years go by. Now quit being..."

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 16:31:00 -0400

“Don’t worry so much. The fog of youth lifts more and more as the years go by. Now quit being stupid.”

"You’ll be just fine using a fan until it hits 80 degrees or 80% humidity outside. Anything..."

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 15:06:00 -0400

“You’ll be just fine using a fan until it hits 80 degrees or 80% humidity outside. Anything higher than that and you can turn on the air conditioner.”

"Golf through the summer, bowl through the winter. Fish the whole year ‘round."

Fri, 21 May 2010 12:42:31 -0400

“Golf through the summer, bowl through the winter. Fish the whole year ‘round.”

"Ties come in different lengths and every knot takes up a certain amount of the tie, so learn the..."

Wed, 05 May 2010 15:20:00 -0400

“Ties come in different lengths and every knot takes up a certain amount of the tie, so learn the four basic knots and pick the one that works with whatever length tie you’re going to wear. And that whole thing about how a tie’s quality is indicated by how many gold threads are in the lining? It’s bogus.”

"The next time you run out of creamer or milk for your coffee try using a spoonful of vanilla ice..."

Mon, 05 Apr 2010 16:04:23 -0400

“The next time you run out of creamer or milk for your coffee try using a spoonful of vanilla ice cream, or a dollop of whipping cream. Be sure to cut down on the amount of sweetener you put in though, both of those are sweetened already. And the best part about using the ice cream is that you get a nice vanilla flavor to compliment your bean choice … or mask the hell out of it if you’ve run out of the good stuff and are stuck with an old jar of Sanka.”

"Don’t forget that daylight savings time begins this weekend. That means I don’t want you..."

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:59:47 -0500

“Don’t forget that daylight savings time begins this weekend. That means I don’t want you to forget to buy a bunch of nine volt batteries for all the smoke detectors I know you have and test regularly.”

"It’s tax time. If you had planned on itemizing, you should have four neatly organized folders;..."

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:11:00 -0500

“It’s tax time. If you had planned on itemizing, you should have four neatly organized folders; one for each quarter. Unless you were lazy, because now you’re gonna have to spend six days scouring the house and your email inbox for every bill, receipt, or canceled check.”

"Call your mother. Do it now."

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:32:00 -0500

“Call your mother. Do it now.”

"When you’re BBQ’ing for a group, anyone that asks for a steak above medium doesn’t..."

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:14:53 -0500

“When you’re BBQ’ing for a group, anyone that asks for a steak above medium doesn’t deserve one.”

"Guh. After living through 78’s, 8-tracks, betamax, laserdiscs, zipdrives, monster cables, and..."

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 00:43:08 -0500

“Guh. After living through 78’s, 8-tracks, betamax, laserdiscs, zipdrives, monster cables, and lately hd-dvd, why would you think that customer preference has anything over ceo’s hanging out at some level of thinktank getaway in the bahamas?”

"Moving into a new place? Make a trip to the hardware store and get a new toilet seat. They’re..."

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 20:39:00 -0500

“Moving into a new place? Make a trip to the hardware store and get a new toilet seat. They’re like fifteen bucks; your girlfriend will absolutely love you for it.”

"Not a fan of warm milk? Try warmed brandy and apple cider with a swizzlestick of cinnamon,..."

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 22:26:19 -0500

“Not a fan of warm milk? Try warmed brandy and apple cider with a swizzlestick of cinnamon, you’ve got about a twenty-five minute window before you’re konked out on the couch for the night.”

"Don’t get attached to your favorite couch, chair, or shirt. Your wife or girlfriend will have..."

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 10:39:00 -0500

“Don’t get attached to your favorite couch, chair, or shirt. Your wife or girlfriend will have an idea one day, and that idea will include you getting rid of that item forever in exchange for something you both “picked out” … which means she picked it, and you carried it out of the store.”

"If you need to make a huge purchase on a card, be sure to pay it off before the credit card company..."

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:34:00 -0500

“If you need to make a huge purchase on a card, be sure to pay it off before the credit card company generates your monthly bill. That way your gigantic debt amount won’t get noticed by the credit score people. They see your bill, too.”

"Now’s the time to buy the gifts and make the plans for Valentine’s day, otherwise..."

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 23:18:00 -0500

“Now’s the time to buy the gifts and make the plans for Valentine’s day, otherwise you’re going to forget and it’s gonna be the 13th of February when you remember. Get it out of the way now and you’ll be able to act cool as a cucumber until then.”

"Sometimes you have to break their brain a bit, sometimes you just have to make it creak. Depends on..."

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:19:00 -0500

“Sometimes you have to break their brain a bit, sometimes you just have to make it creak. Depends on how close they are to succeeding; correct pressure works like gangbusters against someone’s foolishness.”

"Even better than knowing how to fix things is buying products you know you’ll never have to..."

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 10:05:07 -0500

“Even better than knowing how to fix things is buying products you know you’ll never have to fix. Hell, buy the most dirt-cheap one if you think you absolutely have to have it right now and then save up to get the one you really want, by the time the cheapo model breaks you’ll have saved the money to get the good one.”

"If you go shopping with her, she’ll leave you alone while you watch sports."

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 18:36:00 -0500

“If you go shopping with her, she’ll leave you alone while you watch sports.”

"Call your mother."

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:55:12 -0500

“Call your mother.”