From The Old Man: A Guide to Living

"Don’t forget that daylight savings time begins this weekend. That means I don’t want you..."

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:59:47 -0500

“Don’t forget that daylight savings time begins this weekend. That means I don’t want you to forget to buy a bunch of nine volt batteries for all the smoke detectors I know you have and test regularly.”

"It’s tax time. If you had planned on itemizing, you should have four neatly organized folders;..."

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:11:00 -0500

“It’s tax time. If you had planned on itemizing, you should have four neatly organized folders; one for each quarter. Unless you were lazy, because now you’re gonna have to spend six days scouring the house and your email inbox for every bill, receipt, or canceled check.”

"Call your mother. Do it now."

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:32:00 -0500

“Call your mother. Do it now.”

"When you’re BBQ’ing for a group, anyone that asks for a steak above medium doesn’t..."

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:14:53 -0500

“When you’re BBQ’ing for a group, anyone that asks for a steak above medium doesn’t deserve one.”

"Guh. After living through 78’s, 8-tracks, betamax, laserdiscs, zipdrives, monster cables, and..."

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 00:43:08 -0500

“Guh. After living through 78’s, 8-tracks, betamax, laserdiscs, zipdrives, monster cables, and lately hd-dvd, why would you think that customer preference has anything over ceo’s hanging out at some level of thinktank getaway in the bahamas?”

"Moving into a new place? Make a trip to the hardware store and get a new toilet seat. They’re..."

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 20:39:00 -0500

“Moving into a new place? Make a trip to the hardware store and get a new toilet seat. They’re like fifteen bucks; your girlfriend will absolutely love you for it.”

"Not a fan of warm milk? Try warmed brandy and apple cider with a swizzlestick of cinnamon,..."

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 22:26:19 -0500

“Not a fan of warm milk? Try warmed brandy and apple cider with a swizzlestick of cinnamon, you’ve got about a twenty-five minute window before you’re konked out on the couch for the night.”

"Don’t get attached to your favorite couch, chair, or shirt. Your wife or girlfriend will have..."

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 10:39:00 -0500

“Don’t get attached to your favorite couch, chair, or shirt. Your wife or girlfriend will have an idea one day, and that idea will include you getting rid of that item forever in exchange for something you both “picked out” … which means she picked it, and you carried it out of the store.”

"If you need to make a huge purchase on a card, be sure to pay it off before the credit card company..."

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:34:00 -0500

“If you need to make a huge purchase on a card, be sure to pay it off before the credit card company generates your monthly bill. That way your gigantic debt amount won’t get noticed by the credit score people. They see your bill, too.”

"Now’s the time to buy the gifts and make the plans for Valentine’s day, otherwise..."

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 23:18:00 -0500

“Now’s the time to buy the gifts and make the plans for Valentine’s day, otherwise you’re going to forget and it’s gonna be the 13th of February when you remember. Get it out of the way now and you’ll be able to act cool as a cucumber until then.”

"Sometimes you have to break their brain a bit, sometimes you just have to make it creak. Depends on..."

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:19:00 -0500

“Sometimes you have to break their brain a bit, sometimes you just have to make it creak. Depends on how close they are to succeeding; correct pressure works like gangbusters against someone’s foolishness.”

"Even better than knowing how to fix things is buying products you know you’ll never have to..."

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 10:05:07 -0500

“Even better than knowing how to fix things is buying products you know you’ll never have to fix. Hell, buy the most dirt-cheap one if you think you absolutely have to have it right now and then save up to get the one you really want, by the time the cheapo model breaks you’ll have saved the money to get the good one.”

"If you go shopping with her, she’ll leave you alone while you watch sports."

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 18:36:00 -0500

“If you go shopping with her, she’ll leave you alone while you watch sports.”

"Call your mother."

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:55:12 -0500

“Call your mother.”

"A tool set is nowhere near complete unless it has at least six different types of hammers. Required:..."

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:20:27 -0500

“A tool set is nowhere near complete unless it has at least six different types of hammers. Required: 12-16 oz. claw or rip finishing, framing, ball peen, rubber mallet, and an engineer sledge. Optional: tack, shingle, drywall, brick, shot-filled deadblow, wood or leather mallet.”

"When you’re doing the dishes by hand, do them in this order: cups, silverware, bowls, plates,..."

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:28:20 -0500

“When you’re doing the dishes by hand, do them in this order: cups, silverware, bowls, plates, cooking utensils, pots and pans. And squeeze out the sponge after you’re done using it, EVERY TIME. That thing is a germ factory if it’s soaking wet and you leave it out.”

"Get a frame and raise your damn bed off the ground. Nobody wants to see a mattress laying on the..."

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:41:30 -0500

“Get a frame and raise your damn bed off the ground. Nobody wants to see a mattress laying on the floor, that’s how junkies live.”

"Drink water when you’re thirsty, not juice or soda. I know a spoonful of sugar helps the..."

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:58:00 -0500

“Drink water when you’re thirsty, not juice or soda. I know a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but water isn’t yucky so just drink it and be done with it.”

"When you bounce a payment you’re personally paying a bank employee $35 to stamp..."

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 14:17:53 -0500

“When you bounce a payment you’re personally paying a bank employee $35 to stamp “IDIOT” onto your banking history.”

"Flyfishing is the most relaxing and graceful pastime on the planet. It’s an expensive..."

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 15:37:00 -0500

“Flyfishing is the most relaxing and graceful pastime on the planet. It’s an expensive investment, sure, but once you have the gear you’ll only ever have to buy flies and line.”