From The Old Man: A Guide to Living
Because you goddamn never listen anyway
The stockmarket is the world’s biggest casino and your broker makes money whether you win or lose. So only risk money that’s left over at the end of the month … and only after you’ve made deposits into your savings accounts, IRA, and 401.
You know there’s windows you can open on the back of bacon packages, right? They put them there so you can see how much meat is on that cut.
Dice a baby potato before you mince garlic cloves, it’ll keep the garlic from sticking to your knife. Or just go to the store and buy minced garlic, nobody will know the difference anyway.
New light fixtures will change the look and feel of a room far cheaper than new furniture.
People that pride themselves on “telling it like it is” or “being honest to a fault” are usually just obnoxious, uncooperative, and rude.
Of course the knob (on the propane tank) is hard to turn, I crank it down like that because I don’t want you kids using my grill.
Pick one brand and type of sock, son. You’ll never have to worry about mismatches or the occasional lost sock after the laundry is done. And if it’s your turn to fold laundry don’t worry, every pair of socks your wife owns is completely different from the next and matching ‘em up isn’t going to take very long, you’re also gonna have to keep the ones you can’t find a match for: she’s got a spot for those and lots of hope.
Treat every customer and co-worker as if they were a close friend, sure. But remember that a friend wouldn’t put you in a position that jeopardizes your job, so don’t be afraid to tell certain people to take a hike.
The only thing you can get with excuses are penalty fees.
