From The Old Man: A Guide to Living
Because you goddamn never listen anyway
Even better than knowing how to fix things is buying products you know you’ll never have to fix. Hell, buy the most dirt-cheap one if you think you absolutely have to have it right now and then save up to get the one you really want, by the time the cheapo model breaks you’ll have saved the money to get the good one.
If you go shopping with her, she’ll leave you alone while you watch sports.
Call your mother.
A tool set is nowhere near complete unless it has at least six different types of hammers. Required: 12-16 oz. claw or rip finishing, framing, ball peen, rubber mallet, and an engineer sledge. Optional: tack, shingle, drywall, brick, shot-filled deadblow, wood or leather mallet.
When you’re doing the dishes by hand, do them in this order: cups, silverware, bowls, plates, cooking utensils, pots and pans. And squeeze out the sponge after you’re done using it, EVERY TIME. That thing is a germ factory if it’s soaking wet and you leave it out.
Get a frame and raise your damn bed off the ground. Nobody wants to see a mattress laying on the floor, that’s how junkies live.
Drink water when you’re thirsty, not juice or soda. I know a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but water isn’t yucky so just drink it and be done with it.
When you bounce a payment you’re personally paying a bank employee $35 to stamp “IDIOT” onto your banking history.
Flyfishing is the most relaxing and graceful pastime on the planet. It’s an expensive investment, sure, but once you have the gear you’ll only ever have to buy flies and line.
