From The Old Man: A Guide to Living
Because you goddamn never listen anyway
Not a fan of warm milk? Try warmed brandy and apple cider with a swizzlestick of cinnamon, you’ve got about a twenty-five minute window before you’re konked out on the couch for the night.
Don’t get attached to your favorite couch, chair, or shirt. Your wife or girlfriend will have an idea one day, and that idea will include you getting rid of that item forever in exchange for something you both “picked out” … which means she picked it, and you carried it out of the store.
If you need to make a huge purchase on a card, be sure to pay it off before the credit card company generates your monthly bill. That way your gigantic debt amount won’t get noticed by the credit score people. They see your bill, too.
Now’s the time to buy the gifts and make the plans for Valentine’s day, otherwise you’re going to forget and it’s gonna be the 13th of February when you remember. Get it out of the way now and you’ll be able to act cool as a cucumber until then.
Sometimes you have to break their brain a bit, sometimes you just have to make it creak. Depends on how close they are to succeeding; correct pressure works like gangbusters against someone’s foolishness.
Even better than knowing how to fix things is buying products you know you’ll never have to fix. Hell, buy the most dirt-cheap one if you think you absolutely have to have it right now and then save up to get the one you really want, by the time the cheapo model breaks you’ll have saved the money to get the good one.
If you go shopping with her, she’ll leave you alone while you watch sports.
Call your mother.
A tool set is nowhere near complete unless it has at least six different types of hammers. Required: 12-16 oz. claw or rip finishing, framing, ball peen, rubber mallet, and an engineer sledge. Optional: tack, shingle, drywall, brick, shot-filled deadblow, wood or leather mallet.
