From The Old Man: A Guide to Living
Because you goddamn never listen anyway
Don’t forget that daylight savings time begins this weekend. That means I don’t want you to forget to buy a bunch of nine volt batteries for all the smoke detectors I know you have and test regularly.
It’s tax time. If you had planned on itemizing, you should have four neatly organized folders; one for each quarter. Unless you were lazy, because now you’re gonna have to spend six days scouring the house and your email inbox for every bill, receipt, or canceled check.
Call your mother. Do it now.
When you’re BBQ’ing for a group, anyone that asks for a steak above medium doesn’t deserve one.
Guh. After living through 78’s, 8-tracks, betamax, laserdiscs, zipdrives, monster cables, and lately hd-dvd, why would you think that customer preference has anything over ceo’s hanging out at some level of thinktank getaway in the bahamas?
Moving into a new place? Make a trip to the hardware store and get a new toilet seat. They’re like fifteen bucks; your girlfriend will absolutely love you for it.
Not a fan of warm milk? Try warmed brandy and apple cider with a swizzlestick of cinnamon, you’ve got about a twenty-five minute window before you’re konked out on the couch for the night.
Don’t get attached to your favorite couch, chair, or shirt. Your wife or girlfriend will have an idea one day, and that idea will include you getting rid of that item forever in exchange for something you both “picked out” … which means she picked it, and you carried it out of the store.
If you need to make a huge purchase on a card, be sure to pay it off before the credit card company generates your monthly bill. That way your gigantic debt amount won’t get noticed by the credit score people. They see your bill, too.
